Every photograph has a story. This one is mine.
Because I know where the field beyond ideas of wrongdoing is.
That’s me. It’s the summer of 2009 and I am 13 weeks pregnant.
At the age of 35 I had given up all hope of ever giving birth to a child. I have other children. Blended families are a blessing to the barren. There are five beautiful people on this earth that I have helped raise without ever giving birth. I love them very much. This did not assuage my grief.
Mere months before this picture I was told that without surgery and drugs I would never have children. Not having the kind of money for the type of fertility treatments they were talking about was one thing. Not having a partner available was quite another.
You see, I was in a non-traditional relationship. Labels come with all kinds of crazy connotations for people so I generally resist using them. For the benefit of all you out there that have an open mind and heart the word is polyamory. This means that we ignore the mores of common culture and embrace the benefits of multiple romantic partners, multiple parent households, and multiple vehicle carpooling. The subject of procreation, though, is sensitive – even among those willing to share a bed.
So after the doctors rendered their verdict I was spending time really settling into a picture of my future without any babies. It was a sad time for me, and not one that I could share easily with fertile women. I had pretty much come to terms with it, and was coming out the other side of this dark tunnel when we all received the most surprising news of our lives.
I was married, but I was not living with my husband. We had separated on good terms. I was living with my partner and his wife. To most of the world, including their families, I was just another roommate on the farm. As joyful as I was to find out that the doctors were wrong – there was definitely some ‘splainin’ to do, Lucy.
Celebration was put on hold while we grappled with the ramification of coming out openly. Ultimately, there weren’t any other options. My partner’s wife was stunned and reeling with feelings that she understandably couldn’t quite contain. My partner’s heart was being torn between two women he loved. I was pensive and withdrawn, ecstatic at the blessing in my womb, yet aching at the pain those close to me were going through.
Eventually, details were handled and life went on, as it goes. There were of course still feelings to be considered and emotions to be negotiated. It takes time to believe that everything is going to be okay.
That’s what makes this picture even more beautiful. You see – my partner’s wife is the photographer. Somehow, beyond all the feelings that she was having, she grabbed me and took me to the back pasture. Away from the road I took off all my clothes. She handed me sheer fabric, and encouraged me to bask in the joy of this incredible miracle. I danced and pranced, and she laughed and we played in that field for a couple of hours.
Somehow in the midst of all the pressure the world was putting on us to be something other than what we were, we found ourselves in a shining moment of peace. And she captured some moments for me that would have otherwise been lost among memories of the wretched business of being judged by others.
Nearly four years later we are all in a very different space. People change and the farm grew too small to contain the family we had become. Still, my partner and I are just down the road. His wife was in my living room when I came downstairs this morning sipping coffee. Their daughter spent the night here last night and was camped on the sofa watching TV. When my partner woke he got ready to go tow his wife’s truck back to the farm.
We are still a family. We love each other. This is beautiful.
So that picture with that quote? Yeah.
I know where the field beyond ideas of wrongdoing is. Now you do, too. It’s a magical place full of wonder at the beautiful miracles that can occur when we all stop worrying about what’s perceived as right and wrong and follow the innate goodness of our hearts.
That’s it for Silent Sunday this week on So You Wanna Be a Blogger. Tune in next week for another photograph. They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
❤ Sasha Lynn